


Extranet Truths

by Niki



Series: Drinking Games [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drinking Games, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Revelations, Truth without Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-19 00:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Sam and James swore on their honour that there would be no “I Never,” so Shepard bit the metaphorical bullet and joined in on another R&R evening in the Normandy lounge. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Extranet Truths

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mentions of underage prostitution.
> 
> Notes: I compiled a list of truths from several sites on the internet, and just used them in the order they appeared. It was uncanny how well they worked. 
> 
> I think someone else has also used “China” as James' nickname for Joker, but I'm not sure if I've read it somewhere or if it's just so obvious. Still, don't mean to be copying anyone!

Sam and James swore on their honour that there would be no “I Never,” so Shepard bit the metaphorical bullet and joined in on another R&R evening in the Normandy lounge. He knew, just knew, that he was going to end up regretting it. But the crew needed this so badly, travelling from one bad situation to another, most likely worse. 

And he could be with Kaidan openly, now, and that was something. 

They settled in their usual places, Tali much closer to Garrus this time, so there was room for Kaidan and Shepard to sit with their backs against the sofa, arms around each other, beer bottles in their free hands.

It was... soothing. All of these people around him who meant so much to him. If only he could have all his other crew mates, too. Then again, it was probably for the best Jack wasn't there to shock everyone in the inevitable drinking games. 

He knew Sam and James had something planned, their promise had been so _very_ specific. 

“Okay,” said Sam, as if on cue. “We decided that we'd give another go at Truth or Dare. I got some questions from Extranet we can use, so that it'll be equally horrible to all. All the dares I found were silly, and not really suitable for a spaceship – or an Alliance crew, so... unless you guys want to have an orgy, in which case I can dig them up any time.”

“We'll pass, thanks,” Shepard said. Not that his crew wasn't attractive, but he wasn't sharing. 

“Okay. I saved a bunch on this datapad, and even I don't know everything that's in there. So I thought we'd just... pass it around in order? Counter-clockwise, for a change?”

“You start,” James said, doling out shots. Shepard downed his in one. He was going to need it.

“Okay,” Sam said. “My most embarrassing memory? Oh dear. Uhh... without going into too much detail, it involves a red thong, my parents, a neighbour, a classmate, and whipped cream. Moving on!”

“What is your most perverted dream?” read EDI. “I do not dream. Jeff?” She passed the datapad on to Joker who took it gingerly and groaned when he scrolled it down to the next question. 

“I told you guys about my first sexual encounter last time! You are not getting more detail out of me.”

“Oh, come on, China – give us something,” James said.

“Uhh, no. Shepard.”

Shepard took the offered datapad, and almost dropped it when he saw the question. 

“You don't have to,” said Kaidan, reading the same line. “It's only a game, Shepard. You don't have to.”

“What do you mean he won't have to, Smooth?” James demanded, and Steve kicked him. “What?” At Steve's pointed look he grimaced, obviously remembering what Shepard had revealed of his past the last time. 

“My worst sexual encounter,” said Shepard in a dull monotone. ”Well, it was a sexual for the other party...ies, and I was... compensated. Tricia needed a doctor, and for that we needed more money than could be made just by just sucking some guy off, so... Do you guys really need details? I ended up needing a doctor, too.” 

He wondered if he should tell them that the last client of the night had been his Alliance recruitment officer a few years later, and accepted his badly faked ID out of fear. Shepard got in, and he left an anonymous tip about the man's... interests. Prostitution was illegal for anyone under 18, and he had looked even younger back then. He just hoped the man rotted in prison. 

Everyone was quiet, and Shepard hated doing that to them. What was it about this babbling about his most guarded secrets? Was it the fact he had opened up to Kaidan lately, so they were closer to the surface? Or just the fact they faced death every day and it didn't just seem as important anymore to guard them so closely. 

James offered him a bottle of some clear alcohol, and Shepard drank some without bothering to pour it in a glass first. Kaidan's hand was resting on the back of his neck and the other one on his thigh, the closeness all the balm he needed. 

When no one said anything (but was Liara surreptitiously wiping her eyes?) he passed the datapad to Kaidan. 

“What's your bra size?” read Kaidan, and everyone in the room erupted in laughter, even Shepard, all their nervousness finding an outlet at last. “Extra butch?” he suggested, before passing the datapad on to Liara, grinning. 

Liara laughed again, reading her question. “How long is your penis? If I recall my human anatomy correctly, that is... not applicable.”

“We should have had some rules about skipping to the next applicable question,” Sam said. “Not that I'm dying to know the length of anyone's penis, but...”

“Okay, from now on, we skip to the next question that we can answer, okay?” James said.

“What is your strangest crush?” Tali read. “A Turian,” she answered with a disgusted voice, pointing at Garrus.

“Hey!” said Garrus, and everyone was laughing again, including Tali. 

“Do you have any crushes now?” Garrus read from the pad. “No. I just got over them.”

Steve took the pad, and laughed again. “'If you had to snog one person in the room...' I'm pretty sure I've snogged every person in the room! Whom would I snog again? Vega, just because he is so cute when he blushes.”

James proved this by blushing, then vehemently denying it. 

Sam reached for the pad. “Do you have any fetishes?” she read, then looked like she was about to blush, too. 

“Is this the point when you tell us about the red thong and whipped cream in more detail?” Shepard asked, gleefully. 

“No. Doesn't count. Food stuffs are so obvious they don't count. James!” She presented him the pad before anyone could point out she hadn't actually answered.

“No, I do not have any irrational fears,” James told the pad. “They are all very rational.”

“What is the worst thing you have ever stolen?” EDI read. “The Normandy. I believe I have stolen it twice, now.”

She handed the pad to Joker. Was she... smirking? 

“What was the... no, no, you really don't want to know.”

“What?” James demanded.

“You do not want to know the strangest place I've had sex as it is on the Normandy, and...”

“Stop! You're right, we don't. We really, really don't,” James said hurriedly. 

Shepard reached for the pad with apprehension. Well, it couldn't be as bad as the last one, right?

“'Have you ever masturbated anywhere inappropriate? Elaborate.' Uhh... no. Nothing inappropriate to any soldier in active service, at least,” he finished, grinning. 

“What's the strangest porn you've ever got off on?” Kaidan read, and flushed. 

“We're waiting, Major,” Shepard said, intrigued by his lover's expression. Not that he necessarily wanted to share that info with all of their friends, but he did want to know. Especially after that expression.

“It wasn't so much the porn vid, it was the company, but I have found myself, uhh, getting off, to an accompaniment of a Krogan-human combo. Don't ask. I don't want to remember the details of the vid.”

“But how does that even work?” asked James, curiously.

“I told you not to ask!”

Liara reached for the pad, and Kaidan surrendered it with noticeable alacrity. “What animal most resembles your personality? I... we have a bird in Thessia that we call a digger bird because it looks for its food underground, and it can spend hours on one position. I was even called after the bird when I was in school.”

“This is getting repetitive,” Tali said, reading the pad. “Have you ever had a crush on anyone in the room? Obviously. Next.”

“When was the last time you had sex?” Garrus read, and his mandibles made an expression Shepard had never seen on his face before. “Last night...” Oh, so it was embarrassment, then. Wait, what? Tali was sitting very still, as if expecting the off-colour jokes. 

“Tali,” Shepard said very quietly. “Are you okay?” He knew what a risk it was for Quarians to leave the confines of their enviro-suits. 

“Running a light fever, feel a bit stuffy. But it's okay. I'm okay. Thanks.”

Steve reached for the pad to get the attention off the couple, and read his question out loud. “'Who was your first crush?' A boy in my kindergarten. I didn't realise it was a crush at the time, of course.”

James had taken a seat by the bar after he got tired of just getting up and down from the sofa when handing out drinks, so he was next in line. 

“Describe your guilty pleasure,” James read. “Good food. Good greasy food.”

“What's the best sex you ever had?” Sam read aloud. 

“Is this the time you tell us about the whipped cream?” Shepard's grin couldn't get any wider. 

“...yes,” said Sam. “Actually, it is. When we tried it the next time without all the... other people in the vicinity, it was.” 

“Details?” James asked. 

“No. Go watch a vid.”

“Describe your favourite features,” EDI read. “I could list my specs. But I enjoy the lack of restraints the most.”

“Any time, babe,” Joker said, grinning, and reaching for the datapad. 

“'Describe your least favourite features.' Well, gee, my brittle bone china bones?”

Shepard reached for the pad a bit more eagerly than last time. He had enough vodka in him now to ease him through anything. “'Have you ever had sex or a crush on someone you shouldn't have? Who?' Oh, come on! Well, the Alliance rather frowns on fraternisation, especially when you fall for a subordinate. So, hey, did someone not know I'm sleeping with a squadmate, yet?” 

Kaidan grinned, and ran his hand through Shepard's hair affectionately before taking the pad. “'Who has presented you with the worst birthday gift so far?' Conatix Industries. The guys in suits that showed up behind our door to tell us about BAaT – that was on my birthday.”

“What is the silliest thing you have said to your partner, while being intimate?” Liara read. “Oh dear. Well, we had a long biological discussion in the middle. I suppose that would count.”

“What is the question that you do not want anyone to ask you in this game?” Tali stared at the text incredulously. “You think I'm giving them pointers?” she asked from the pad. “I would not like to answer political questions, or those about my father. Or Shepard,” she admitted, grudgingly.

“Describe the sexiest clothes you wore and to impress whom?” It was Garrus' turn to stare at the pad like it was a sentient being, and a _crazy_ sentient being to boot. “My armour is quite enough, thank you.”

Steve burst in laughter when he saw his question. “'Has anyone ever seen you completely naked?' Well, I don't know, everyone in the communal showers all through my military career? My husband?”

“Would you ever cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend?” James read. “No. If I cared about someone enough to be in a relationship, there are no circumstances where I would betray her.”

Sam groaned at the pad. “Why do I only get sex questions? What is my wildest sexual fantasy? And no, Shepard, before you ask, not whipped cream and the thong. Been there, done that, right? My wildest... oh, dear. I suppose the idea of public sex has always... interested me. Not that I'd actually probably ever do it but... yeah.”

“Describe your first intimate experience,” EDI read, and when she opened her mouth to answer, Jokers shouted “No!” 

“But, Jeff, the rules state...”

“No. Just.... no. Limits, EDI.”

“And we really, really don't want to know, okay? No offence,” James said. 

“None taken!” Joker said, hurriedly. “Oh man. 'What is your bedroom nickname?' I don't think I have one.”

“What about when you wanted me to call you...”

“EDI!”

Shepard was still laughing when he took the pad and read his question. “'If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?' Well, I would look smoking hot, naturally, and as I am dating a man who likes women just fine, I would have sex with my boyfriend." 

Kaidan looked at him like he was trying to picture him as a woman. “I don't see it,” he said. “But I don't think I'd be saying no. For science, you see. Comparative studies.” Shepard gave him the pad with a kiss. 

“Have you ever done a striptease for your special someone?” Kaidan read from the screen. “No. You think I should?” he asked Shepard, grinning.

“We... can discuss that in private.”

“Thank you!” James shouted. 

Shepard thought that it was weird that a person who was so eager for these games and the embarrassing revelations was so against hearing those revelations.

“Do I have a secret talent?” Liara asked, looking at the pad. “I was surprised how good an information broker I was, but that is hardly a secret talent from the people in the room. I am apparently surprisingly good at intimidating people, also.”

“What is the first physical feature you look for in someone you are attracted to?” Tali read. “Omnitool. Oh, that's not what it means. Well, in a Quarian you go through the information in their suit, so I find myself doing that with other species, too. Usually you don't learn as much, though.”

“What did my armour tell you?” Garrus asked. 

“I wasn't attracted to you when I met you, so...”

“Ouch. You evil woman. Fine. 'Do you still pine for your ex flame?' Ex flame? What an epithet. No. No one.”

“Have you ever lied to your partner to avoid an intimate moment?” Steve read from the screen. “No. I can't see a situation where I would need to. If I couldn't be honest with him, why would I be in the situation in the first place?”

“Whom would you like to marry from amongst the group in this room and why?” James looked at the datapad with a dumbfounded expression, then looked at everyone in the room in turn before shaking his head. “Sorry, guys, but I just don't see it. First, not into guys, second... Perky's not into guys either, EDI is a bot and taken, Sparks' taken, Doc's taken... Come to think of it, the only single people in the room are Perky and Esteban, and of them I'd choose Esteban, 'cos damn, woman, you are scary.”

“Flattered, I'm sure,” Steve said dryly. 

“Have you ever gone a whole day without wearing underwear?” read Sam. “Oh, come on. No, I haven't. No, wait... no, no, I did put my panties on at some point, forget it.”

“At the gym, do you watch other people around you, while they change?” EDI said, holding a pad, and Shepard suddenly realised she could most likely see it all the time, and didn't really need to hold it. “Well, I have never been to a gym but I do see most rooms on the Normandy, so I could watch anyone... except Shepard, of course, unless I overrode the privacy settings.”

“EDI...” Shepard said threateningly. 

“That was a joke,” EDI said, but Shepard had to wonder. 

“Have you ever taken part in any illegal activities?” Joker read his question to get them over the silence. “What, like stealing a spaceship? Unshackling an AI? Nah.”

“What is the wackiest thing you have done and then got caught by your parents?” Shepard read. “Not applicable. Next one is 'Whom would you love to date amongst the crowd gathered in this room?' Well, that's a brain twister. Garrus, obviously,” he said with a straight face which lasted for about five seconds before he leaned to kiss Kaidan. “Does it count as non-applicable if I'm already dating the person in question?”

“We'll let it slide,” Sam said, and looked expectantly at Kaidan.

“'Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Who?' Seriously?” Everyone laughed, and Kaidan handed the pad to Liara.

“What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?” She paused to think. “Human food is weird. So are the yagh snacks I discovered from my... predecessor's cabins. You also end up eating what ever is available on digs, so... Something called jelly? It looked like a hanar and tasted about what I'd expect them to taste like.”

“Can you tell us about your secret fantasy?” Tali read. “I... I have always thought about... Especially now, with Rannoch... I've read that people actually have sex outside. It has always sounded so... Like to most unattainable thing in the world.”

Garrus looked at her with such an intense expression Shepard decided to stop worrying. He was invested in it all right. He would do right by Tali. Not that she couldn't take care of herself but... she had always been something like a little sister to him.

“I can't believe it,” said Garrus, looking at the pad. “I got the same question, worded just a little differently. “I think... I think I'll give the same answer, too,” he said, quietly, holding Tali's hand, and Shepard was willing to pass on the “cutest couple in the room” title to them.

“How many people have you made out with and who was your favourite and why?” Steve read. “Does Spin the Bottle count? My favourite was Robert, my husband. As to everyone I've made out with...” he started counting with the aid of his fingers. “Eight.”

“Eight?” James asked, incredulously.

“I was married for a long time, Vega.”

“Yeah, but eight!”

“Here,” said Steve, handing him the pad. “See if you can do better, stud.”

“Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender?” read James. “Did you like it?” 

He flushed, obviously thinking about the infamous Spin the Bottle evening, and The Snog Shepard had given him. The other man had been aroused, but Shepard wasn't going to push the issue if he didn't come clean. There were limits.

“Yeah. And... yeah,” James said, quietly, then passed the datapad to Sam without his usual wicked smile.

“Well, at least it's not about sex. But have I ever peed in someone's swimming pool? Ewww! No.”

“Have you ever seen a porno film? Who did you watch it with?” EDI read. “Well, technically I am aware of all the porn that is downloaded anywhere in the Normandy's systems without actively watching it...”

“...and I'm pretty sure we don't want to hear more,” Shepard concluded. Joker was bound to have quite a collection and that was not something he really wanted to talk about. 

“What is the main thing that attracts you to a person of the opposite sex?” Joker read his question quite fast, trying to skip to the next subject. “Sense of humour. Kindness. Hotness. Capability.”

“How many tattoos do you have and where?” Shepard read. “One. On my thigh. And it's private.”

“See, this is why we should have gone for traditional Truth or Dare, Perky. Then someone could bloody ask. Or dare him to show it,” James complained. 

Shepard shared a smile with Kaidan. The tattoo didn't really have anything to do with him, but as he was the only one in the room to have seen it, it was still something private they shared. He handed the pad on, again with a kiss. 

“What is the worst fear you have in life?” Kaidan read. “Loss of control. What it can lead to. That, this time, I hurt someone I care about.”

He turned to hide his face against Shepard's neck, and he gathered him closer, dropping a kiss on top of his head. “Never happen,” he whispered. 

Liara reached for the pad and started reading her question to give them a moment of privacy.

“'Have you ever made an ass of yourself in front of someone you were interested in?' Oh Goddess, yes. I didn't know anything about humans at the time, which led to some... misunderstandings. Nothing serious, just... embarrassing.”

“What's your idea of a perfect date?” Tali read. “I don't think I've ever been on a date. I haven't ever thought about it much. Eating out is... not really an option. And people tend to look at Quarians with suspicion wherever we go. Maybe... on Rannoch, one day... a picnic. With someone. Where we could... eat picnic foods, outside, in the sunshine.”

Garrus reached for her hand, and they shared a look that said quite a lot. Shepard pulled Kaidan closer, and smiled. 

Garrus reached for the pad with his free hand, then spluttered when he read the text. “'Which of your partner's friends would you like to date?' I wouldn't dare!”

“Good,” said Tali, with a menacing voice.

“Who’s the last person you undressed in your thoughts?” Steve read. “Shepard. But only because I was wondering about that tattoo!” he hastened to explain.

“Indeed,” said Kaidan, dryly, and just looked at the pilot until he looked away.

Shepard grinned. Kaidan was... intense when he was jealous. He quite enjoyed it. 

James came to his friend's rescue by grabbing the datapad. “'What is the one thing you have ever done which you never ever want to be caught doing?' Are there other answers than 'masturbating' to that?” he asked. 

“Maybe not for you,” Sam said, grinning, and reached for the pad. She burst in laughter when she saw her question, and it took her a few tries to manage to read it. “Have you ever masturbated?” James cracked up as well. 

“Yes,” she said, simply, still giggling, and passed on the datapad. 

EDI read her question as soon as their merriment had died down. “'Do you take a shower every day?' No. Is that inapplicable? I do need to keep this vessel clean but I don't need to do it every day.”

“With whom would you like to be marooned on an island?” Joker read. “Easy. EDI. In her ship form.”

“Who was the first boy that you let touch your boobs? Why did you let him?” Shepard read, and laughed. “I think we can count that one as inapplicable so...” his voice veered off, when he read the next question. 

“Would you marry your boyfriend/girlfriend?” he read, quietly, then turned to meet his boyfriend's eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I'd like to.”

Did he just propose? Kaidan wasn't saying a word, just looking at him with wide eyes and then... then leaning closer, hands on his face, kissing him intently. The kiss lasted longer than the others that evening, and when he pulled away, he rested his forehead against Shepard's. 

“I'd say yes,” he whispered, and this time Shepard pulled him in for the kiss. 

The pulled back only slightly, arms still around each other, and Kaidan took the datapad that had fallen on the floor. His breath hitched when he saw his question, then read it out loud, eyes on Shepard's face. 

“Do you really love your boyfriend/girlfriend?” He smiled. “Yes, yes I do.”

Again Liara reached for the pad without disturbing their moment. 

“If you had the chance to be reborn as someone else, which person would you choose from this room and why?” she read. “Oh, can it be on this ship? Then I could choose Javik. The way he 'reads' people and places is so fascinating.”

“Do you own a thong? Are you wearing it now?” Tali read. “No. And no.” She handed the pad to Garrus. 

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how good looking would you rate yourself?” the Turian read. “10, of course.”

They all laughed, but Shepard did notice that no one rushed to contradict him.

“What's the worst thing about being your gender?” Steve read from the pad. “I don't know. Nothing?”

“'Rate five boys that everyone knows on a scale of 1-10.'What!?” James exclaimed. “Rate them as what?”

“By the looks, stud,” Sam said, grinning. 

“As fighters,” suggested Garrus.

“No, I think it's the looks,” Steve said, grinning as well.

“Five boys. Well, there are five of you here. Fine. Do I have to tell you what I'm rating them on?” James asked with his own grin. “Scars, 8. Smooth, 9. Loco, 20. China 5, and Esteban... 9.”

There was general mayhem as his neighbours tried to make him talk, but James just kept grinning, and Shepard just kept laughing. Liara was looking at the Lieutenant with a calculated expression which Shepard didn't like one bit.

“It's Sam's turn, isn't it?” he said, stopping the tussle around James and the pad.

“Fine! But you do know that we'll remember this if you ever try to get us to play Truth or Dare the old-fashioned way,” Sam said, threateningly. “'When was the last time you kissed someone?' Way too long ago. Before the war started.” 

That led to a silent moment again which EDI broke, reaching for the pad.

“Have you ever had an orgasm?” she read without inflection. “'Was it by yourself or with a boy?' No. Surprisingly, such capabilities were not built into this body.” 

Joker groaned when he read his question. “'Who do you fantasize about when you think about sex?' Hello, have you seen my girlfriend?”

“If the building was burning and you could only save one, would you save the person on your left, or the person on your right?” Shepard read. “Well, when we were on a burning Normandy, I tried to save both,” he said. 

“And you did,” said Joker. “For which... did I ever say thank you?”

Shepard turned to look at Kaidan who, judging by his expression was stuck thinking about Shepard dying. “I'm here,” he said, quietly. “I came back.”

He rested his forehead against Kaidan's for a moment. If it really was an either or situation? He could have used Virmire as an example, too. “I'm still here,” he whispered, and Kaidan held onto him almost desperately.

Then he took a deep breath, met Shepard's eyes before leaning in for a quick kiss before taking the datapad.

“Which person in the room do you think is most likely to flirt with themselves in the mirror?” He grinned. “James. Or Garrus.”

“Oi!” shouted James, but Garrus merely stared at the Major with a menacing glare. 

“Not scared,” said Kaidan. “You totally would.” He passed the pad on with a grin.

“Have you ever gone for more than two days without showering and when?” Liara read. “Yes, on dig sites you sometimes go for a long time without a chance to wash.”

Tali reached for the pad. “'If you had 24 hours to live, what would you like to do?' I'm trying to do it already, since we can't know what will happen on the next mission, or the next... I try to do my best so that others may survive, and spend time with people I care about. What else can one do?”

That left everyone in a sombre mood again, reminding them of the realities of the war. Garrus took the datapad, obviously hoping for something light-hearted. No such luck. 

“If you had two wishes that would expire after 24 hours what would they be?” he read. “That the Reapers would self-destruct? And that Tali could live freely without her suit,” he said. “Or am I not being ambitious enough? I could wish the Reapers never were? But would they then come back after the 24 hours? Is this really about something I can only keep for 24 hours? Then my first answer stands. We'd get a breather, and Tali could... well.”

“And that's as good place to end this as any other,” said Steve, who had taken the pad from Garrus. “That was the last question.”

“I think it's time we all proceeded to the part where we spend time with the people we care about,” said Tali, looking at Garrus. “Not that I don't like you all, but...”

“Yeah,” said Shepard, pulling Kaidan up with him. “Carpe diem, and all that.”

“Come on, Esteban,” James said. “Let's leave the lovebirds to it, and go polish some guns.”

He didn't pause to think about what he had actually said until every human in the room burst in laughter. 

“What?” asked Tali.

“Oh God,” said Shepard. “Have fun, boys. I know we will.”

The Lieutenant really was cute when he blushed.


End file.
